world without end

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


She doesn't know

Right. I know I said I had to get my mind of this girl. And I know that wasn't spectacularly succesful at it. I thought that things would get better over time - and it has been some time - but things haven't improved. If anything, they seem to have gotten worse.

I wonder what it is about her that moves me. Is it the gentleness I see in her eyes? Or maybe the eloquence of her long silences? I wonder if I am drawn to her for her unexpected outbursts of anger or frustration when she opens up a window into the raw majesty of who she is beneath that subtle smile. Many times I have sought the company of other people, only to find that their conversation seems painfully irrelevant. And though I spend less time with her than I should want, I feel there is a greater a depth of meaning to be had from those moments compared to the hours of tedium I spend with others.

Some people want like a candle flame - flickering and inconstant, wavering before the slightest breeze. Some people want like a forest fire. Right now, I'm somewhere between the two in my wanting her. Like a bonfire maybe. Strong enough to be a beacon on a dark night, but still within my power to douse. If I wanted to. Which I'm not sure I do. The only thing I'm sure of, is that I'm glad she doesn't know.

I'm glad she doesn't know.

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